Life is good.
I feel stable, I feel calm and life has slowly returned to our version of ‘normal’.
I feel completely blessed, I am surrounded by family, positivity and love yet I find myself asking…. Was this meant to happen? Was I always finding my way back to normal? This is something my brother is going through. A cancer diagnosis followed by week after week of chemo and dreams of an amazing post cancer life. We have both found ourselves back at our normal.
I feel like I momentarily fell of life’s treadmill, brushed myself off and I have returned matching my steps to the crowds around me. This is great, this is normal but can I ask for more?
I have always seen my struggles with mental illness in a positive light. I wanted to see it as a starting point from which to grow. In many ways the only way was up! I am facing a hurdle to that and the hurdle is me. I have found myself retreating back to my old comfort zones. I am eating the wrong food, I am not exercising regularly and my Yoga mat is taunting me from the top of the wardrobe as it hasn’t seen the light of day in months. I have kidneys that don’t function properly yet I find myself holding a glass of wine and eating salty food at the end of the day….as I write this I see what is happening – self sabotage. I have let myself get better to a point, I have returned successfully to my normal but can I let myself thrive? Is that allowed?
I have signed up to do the Edinburgh marathon in March. I would love to achieve this goal. I will not be able to if I do not put some time and effort in. I’m very good at findings things that are more important to do than going for a run. This is something I am struggling with as I feel like I am spending time on me that is not necessary or needed and I could be with my husband or son doing something for them.
I want to run, I want to eat amazingly healthy food. I want to run my own business. I also want to be able to turn the Ipad off and be alone with my thoughts ….but can I let myself?
I read an amazing quote on a parenting facebook site that read ‘Self care is not me first, it’s me too’. I need to start saying this to myself.
Tonight is a night for rest and planning.
Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.